2010 is going to be the big one...

This time of year tends to be dominated by dissections of the year just gone, written by journalists who seem to think everyone apart from them has been in a coma for the past 12 months. But not here! No, I thought it would be better to tell you what is happening next year instead. Predictions? Not quite – I have it on good authority the following is 99.9% likely to happen within the year.

January: BBC Sound of 2010 is announced and my choice will either be shockingly overlooked or will win. If the later I will spend the following 12 months squirming as my choice embarrasses me by releasing a less than satisfactory album and saying stupid things on Twitter like: “Oh, highlight of my career - I’m going to be in Grazia next week.”

February: Typically the coldest and most depressing month of the year but not for 2010. A freak heat wave will prompt a revolution in British music with Mark E Smith releasing a calypso influence album, and Morrissey teaming up with H from Steps to produce an record called Everything is Great. Charlie Brooker is seen walking out of the Apple store on Regent Street, smiling.

March: After Fun February things take a turn for the worse when Simon Cowell chokes on his own smugness and dies. The nation is officially in mourning.

April: 175,000 people return their Glastonbury tickets when they realise that Michael Eavis’ ‘festival to remember’ may not include one of their favourite bands headlining on the Pyramid stage. Billy Bragg announces a gig in the leftfield tent with a special guest appearance from Nick Griffin. 175,000 people buy their tickets back again.

May: I go to Camden Crawl and have an absolutely amazing time.

June: At Glastonbury Michael Eavis gets wasted, storms on stage and tells Bono he’s a cunt. The audience walks out in protest. They all go up to The Park where they suddenly realise all the best stuff has been happening anyway. Emily Eavis is heard muttering ‘I told you so’.

July: It’s not as hot as we thought it might be and it rains an awful lot. Everyone acts surprised.

August: Lilly Allen moans about something on Twitter and then goes out and buys some more boots and panties. Everyone blames Stephen Fry.

September: Mercury Music Prize nominations are announced and everyone complains how meaningless they are but then goes out and buys the winning album anyway. The following week nobody can remember who won.

October: To mark the first anniversary of Stephen Gately’s death Jan Moir releases a record in aid of the Terrence Higgins Trust called I’m not homophobic (some of my best friends are gay).

November: Sufjan Stevens wins X-Factor

December: I run out of blog ideas, consider quitting the blogosphere and then decide against it. I write a review of the best of 2010 (making little reference to my predictions in 2009).

Happy New Year everyone, see you in 2010!!